Wednesday, June 1, 2011

माँ

Faces belong to me,
A kid who lost his mother,
A year Back..
Will never be loved like a kid again,
He knows.
Her eyes on dead bed,
He can’t forget.
And that oxygen mask,
Filled with fumes,
She couldn’t cry, She couldn’t talk,
She couldn’t breathe.

Those Moist eyes,
They knew, they are leaving all,
Whom they loved whole their life.
They didn’t bring tears,
Nor they smiled.
They were dead before her.

I still remember,
Her fragile hands on white hospital mattress.
Couldn’t feel my hand.
She held me in her arms,
First touch of my life. ”one tear Rolled, Excuse me”
She gave me first drop,
It’s her, all what I am.
What she felt when she knew?
She is dying every day.
We prayed that she dies.
We couldn't see her in pain.
She was in pain.
She is dead.
Everybody else is living, including me!
Something died in us as well with her.
I am certain.

I remember that temporary lock of bandages,
On that cold room, that night.
Where she slept last,
Before cremation.
I was sitting just outside the room,
I didn’t go inside to hug her.
They said, she is dead.
And I believed them.
They were all professionals.

In white cloth and bandages,
She couldn’t breathe there.
That was too cold and dark,
For a last sleep.
He asked, if I want him to come,
My Friend, Those who come never ask.
I needed him, he didn’t come.
They said, she is dead.
But she died there in that cold room,
For everyone.
Including me as well!
That fragile bandage Door, I didn’t open,
I didn’t go and took her out of that,
Dark and cold.
I didn’t kiss her. I didn’t hug.
Because I knew, She is Dead.
What kind of son, I Am.

In morning,4’o’ Clock,
I didn’t touch her body, I was scared.
Ward boys took her out of that cold chamber,
We paid them.
I was there. I didn’t touch her.
I was scared of her. I was scared of my mother.
I didn’t cry, I had to hold the family.
But she was that same Mother,
Who brought me up.

I was sitting very near,
In that white ambulance, red siren.
I touched her,
To know if it’s her.
I couldn’t feel anything.
That white cloth was cold and wet.
She is inside, what all said.
I couldn’t believe this.
She is not dead.

Everybody was crying,
When she entered home for her last rite.
People started pouring in,
As if she will talk.
I wished if she could.
She was lying there,
Where she never thought,
When she made the house,
In the parking lot of the house on floor.
Not even exactly inside,
Fate changes with breathes.
I understood.

But everybody was crying,
Touching her, remembering her.
I had to be strong,
I didn’t cry.
My siblings,
Our mother died,
We knew.
They all cried,
The way every son should.

Last time came, being eldest,
They called me for last rite.
They told me to hold her, I did.
They told me to put her on her last bed,
Made of bamboo stick,
I did as said.
But one lady I remember so well,
And that moment.
When she came out with her cothes.
She gave me the clothes and said.
“Keep them outside”.
I looked at her,
And water started running.
I never felt so devastated before.
I could just cry.
I cried like a kid.
I cried for my mother.
Than I was certain that
My mother is dead.
My younger brother held me,
We hugged and cried.
I realised,
What does family mean.

She was on my shoulder,
I never thought about that.
She was quite, I was quite,
Everything else was moving with its pace.
People were chanting “Ram Naam”,
I was murmuring the same sometime,
Whenever I  came to senses. I did.
But I could feel her on my shoulder.
Still I can feel her, now I realised.
We walked, reached, finished,
Which had to be finished.
Everything has to be finished.
Everything was so perfect,
Procession, chants, shlokas, last rites!
They kept her on log wood,
I was watching.


I wasn’t sure,
If it’s happening with me
I couldn’t feel anything
I knew what’s going to happen next,
They covered her body with those,
Heavy wood logs,
Only face was visible.
They showed the face for last time,
Maa.
I went ahead and looked at her.
She was sleeping like baby.
Eyes closed, mouth was partially open.
She didn’t had teeth.
I touched her cheeks and said-maa.
I wanted to kiss her; I so much wanted to kiss her,
For the last time.
I looked at her.
And went back, I couldn’t kiss.
They put the log on her face for the last time.


They started the fire.
The moment it happened.
My senses stopped reacting.
I felt very weak and helpless.
I started crying,
I never cried like this.
And never will, i know.
I was crying.
She was inside that fire.
I just cried.
So helpless I was.
I held my brothers,
We hugged and cried.
Looking at the fire.
She was going to be dust,
We cried, we knew,
 This is it.
I don’t know,
Why do we grow,
And age.
We just cried.
People held us.
Took us away.
My other best friend came,
He hugged me.
He comforted me to cry.
I got to know,
What a friend is.
I looked at her till fire stopped.

She was no more,
She is no more.
She comes to my dreams, just like last night.
She doesn’t talk, just see me.
Same I do.
Why don’t we talk Maa.
It has been a year now.
And I wrote this,
It  was inside me.
I died as a kid that day,
With you.
Nobody care for me like a kid now,
Because you only knew,
How I was, when I was a kid.
Please you keep coming in my dreams.
And please do talk this time.
I miss you a lot!
I just don’t cry, don’t say to anyone.
But I do.
I am your kid, your son.


I just didn’t come to meet you,
When you were on your dead bed.
I didn’t know that you gonna leave me.
You went to hospitals before as well.
But you always came back and,
We celebrated everything together.

We celebrated festival this year as well Maa,
But I saw empty faces, some try laughs and giggles,
I didn’t see mirror though.
We all miss you.
I am not a bad son Maa,
You brought me up,
You know it.
I miss you.
Come to my dreams tonight!!